Dirty rats. All of you.
I hope you know what you’re doing, with your fancy gizmos, parachutes, comfortable seats… You are ruining flying, that’s what you’re doing! Whoever heard of such nonesense!
First of all, what’s with this 10gph? What are you trying to do? Put the millions of hardworking americans who make 100ll out of a job! How do you sleep at night? And 160kts with fixed gear – why don’t you just come out and say it, you don’t want guys like me to be able to play with the gear lever and look all official to our wives and girlfriends, with our “time to put the gear down…” You don’t like belly landings - they offend your asthetic. Well, sorry, buddy.
And since when were planes meant to have windshields? How am I going to keep my passengers in awe and fear if they can see everything? Give me an old bird with a slit for glass, better yet, a periscope, yeah! That’s what we need. And since when is the backseat supposed to have a view of anything excpet the back of my head! If I were to fly one of your planes, people might actually want to ride in the back. I wouldn’t be able to use it as the torture device I have now! Thanks for nothing!
While you’re at it – toss out that big tv screen. Come on! With your pretty colors and your labels and your warnings - I mean you could practically make anybody think they could fly. You might just open up the skies to every Tom, Dick, and Harry with gizmos like that! How dare you - Traitors, that’s what you are.
And GPS – bah humbug. Everybody knows the NDB is the ultimate. It doesn’t tell you where you to go, or what to do like that bossy GPS thingamabob. No, it’s non-directional, like it should be. It doesn’t encroach on your freedom. And besides, when is the last time you heard good talk radio over your fancy-schmancy Garmin? Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Oh, wait. You probably don’t smoke 'cause you’ve got some nice leather interior, Mr. fancy. With 23g seats, whatever those are. Probably cost you 23 grand, yeah! And you can probably fold them down to carry stuff… Give me a break! That’s what a car is for! If you think flying is meant to be that much fun, then go ahead Mr. Mountain bike and throw your toy in the back seat, fly to Sedona for a weekend, see if I join you!
And where’s a guy going to put his approach plates if you take the control wheel away. Side-stick, please! Since when are small planes meant to be anything but cluttered and claustraphobic. What, you think that electric trim is a convenience? I’ll think of your flabby right arm, next time I muscle in some real trim on my control wheel. And while my legs and back will be getting a good old fashion USA workout during approach and flare, you’ll probably be just sitting there, with your left hand moving slightly… If you weren’t so dumb, I’d feel sorry for you.
Noise-cancelling headsets! Real vents… I can’t even talk about them I’m so offended. You’re not supposed to be able to breathe in a small plane! It’s supposed be too hot or too cold. Otherwise, people are going to want to start to go with you. Don’t you get it? And you, pilot, are going to go soft.
Pathetic. Weak. That’s what’s going to happen to all of you, mark my words. You’re going to put decent mechanics out of work, and turn flying into something fun at the same time. If flying were meant to be fun, we’d all have wings. And if it were up to you, they’d be plastic. If it were up to you, little birds would come with parachutes in case something happened to them.
I just don’t know what this world’s a coming to. At least, nobody’s messing with our trusty engines!
Mr. IAM CrumUgedon
Dean